I can’t really define what has been going on in my life over the last few weeks. I know that God is working in me. I know that I have been healing in many areas. I know that I released stuff over to Him that is no longer a chain in my life…no longer holding me back. I have been freed in some areas of my life and it has been wonderful. I have repented, forgiven myself and others, found areas I was trying to control in my life…and have given much over to God. And I felt joy and peace and contentment and soooo much love. I thought that once I did all of that…I would be changed in a more profound way, that the new found joy, peace, contentment and love would overflow in me and out of me.
But some days, some days I am still a broken mess, on my knees, crying out to God. Other days I am joyfully dancing and singing around my apartment to worship music. Some days I feel like I am struggling…struggling to feel contentment. Other days I feel just so blessed to have what I have and so full of gratitude and thanks. It’s a constant back and forth…back and forth.
Evenings are my favorite time of day, that is when I spend at least a good 90 minutes, if not more, in the Word…being led to various verses or doing a study. I pray, I listen, I learn, I read. Mornings are the absolute worst. I would have to say that over the last few weeks, I have woken up at least more than half of the time instantly anxious…almost like an attack. I wake up that way, the second I open my eyes. My heart pounds, my stomach churns within me. I pray, I breathe, I pray, I breathe, I sing a worship song, or read a Bible verse..and I still stay anxious. Some mornings I wake up so nauseated from anxiety that it makes me ill. It only happens in the mornings and then I am fine. I am not sure why and I am not sure how to make it stop, but I can tell you that I don’t like it. I pray about it continually. If you are a friend of mine reading this and can add that to your prayers, I would be very grateful.
I am so blessed that God has led me to a church out here and I am attending a portion of the ladies retreat this weekend. The theme is surrender. Fitting for me, isn’t it?!?! I am thrilled to go. I am excited to form new friendships and to also feel God work within me during the retreat.
More than anything, I just want His peace and joy to consume me 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I don’t want to cry at the drop of a hat when a lyric on the radio comes on about loneliness. I don’t want to feel cheated at all in life, because if anything, I am more than blessed to have the life that I have..and I KNOW THAT!!! I just want to be so full of HIM that nothing else matters…that I radiate light and joy. That I radiate HIM. That is what I want and I know I am not there yet…but I am closer than I was this time last year, or even last month….that is for sure.
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
As Christians, we are all running a race. Some days we can sprint easily..other days we have to walk, and focus on catching our breath. I think, right now, I am a mixture of walking and jogging…and you know what, that’s okay…as long as I am headed in the right direction.
This was read over the radio last night. I cried listening to it. I was having an evening where I felt more like I was walking..maybe crawling….I liked its message and it spoke to me. I have been wanting to share it. I especially liked this part:
“Without the downpour of rain, plants tend to wither and die. But who likes getting rained on? The same is true for our souls. If we are not subjecting ourselves to the hardship of life, we are missing out on some of its fullness. As a result, we stagnate. In order for us to find a meaningful life, we have to be willing to be uncomfortable, to be stretched into who we’re meant to be. We find our life’s purpose not in resolution, but through struggle. This is the stuff of epic stories and true heroes’ tales. There has be a narrow path, a hard way, in order for the journey to be worth the destination. Sometimes, the best we can do is play out the role we’ve been given. But something beautiful happens when we surrender to the larger story being told: we find joy in the most ordinary situations.”
So I will continue to run the race……whether sprinting, jogging, walking or crawling. I will not give up..or leave the race early..or get out of my lane and into another one that seems easier. I am on my course and I intend to finish!!!!
I will make it to the finish line…..strong…….excited……joyful…..in worship…..in awe…and I will run straight into HIS arms.